Dating in today's society is damaged, to say the very least. Nowadays, when someone says "we're dating", or "I'm dating so and so", that tends to translate to an exclusive, boyfriend/girlfriend committed relationship. However, that it not what the term means. Originally "dating" referred to a various set of activities, with various people. Dating was a way in which one could get to know a variety of different people in a variety of settings, without an exclusive commitment. It was a way to get to know people, and test the waters to see what you value in an individual - things you should know and have an idea of, for when you are ready to commit to someone. After dating, comes courtship. This is where a committed, exclusive relationship comes to surface. Transitioning from dating to courtship should be intentional. While it may sound awkward, the decision to become a couple should be discussed in an open conversation. This opens the door to share feelings, concerns, or interests with the person you have become more invested in and serious about. If anything, it will help the two get on the same page. Being intentional in this first step of a relationship, will create a pattern for being intentional in other serious decisions concerning the couple, like engagement and marriage. It is important to step by step progress from dating, courtship, engagement, and ultimately. marriage. This is a big problem for society, and a serious one, too. Instead of treating these stages of a relationship like a set of stairs to climb, it is treated more like a slide. Many young people are sliding from stage to stage, without intentional actions and decisions. This will lead to serious problems later on for the couple. For example, dating is the point where two people really get to know one another. This is when you would get acquainted with someone's personality, opinions, experiences, and more. Talking and sharing is essential at this stage. A date is "planned, paid for, and paired off". Meaning, a date is not doing homework together or snuggling on the couch in your apartment, even though that may be what some of us are drawn to (myself included)! This leaves little to no room to discuss important topics about oneself. While you may feel as though you are falling in love with someone while spending everyday together, watching your favorite shows, and doing homework - it is important to be aware of something called "false attraction". It is easy to feel like you know everything you need to know about your significant other by spending everyday together, but think about how much you are really discussing, and how much of that is valuable information that will aid in your relationship.
In fact, Dr. Van Epp teaches something called "The Know-Quo", which is the quotient for knowing someone. The Know-Quo goes as follows, "I = T+T+T. Intimacy equals Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time". Dr. Van Epp also explains it takes at least three months to truly get to know someone, and they longer a couple is together before marriage, the higher the likelihood of their marriage succeeding.
While falling in love may feel like a rush of emotions (and chemicals), it is more than okay to take it step by step, be intentional, and take your time! If you are truly falling in love with someone, why not take the time to make a conscious effort to learn more about them? And even more importantly, if you are someone who expects this from others, make sure you are practicing this yourself when dating and committing to someone!
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