Effective communication is what every relationship, both romantic and platonic, need to survive and thrive - but what really is "effective" communication? William Howard Taft once said, "Don't write so that you can be understood, write so that you can't be misunderstood". Similarly, one could say it is not enough to communicate so well that you are understood, but to communicate so clearly you cannot be misunderstood.
The process of communication is as follows: thoughts and feelings, encoding, media, and decoding. Encoding is how you communicate and the means in which you will get the message across. Encoding is commonly misunderstood as a way to keep messages hidden, when in fact, it is the opposite. It is how we can come to understand a message. Next, media. Media has to do with the different ways in which communication is expressed. This can be through words, tone, or even nonverbal communication. In fact, a study found communication media typically consists of 14% words, 35% tone, and 51% nonverbal - so body language and facial expressions really do speak for themselves! Lastly, decoding is how one interprets and understands what is being communicated.
Dr. David E. Burns has taught about the "5 Secrets of Effective Communication". First, he begins with an acronym "EAR". The "E" stands for empathy. The "A" stands for assertiveness. Lastly, the "R" stands for respect. These are all needed in order to participate in effective communication. He also teaches that to effectively communicate, blame has to be set aside.
The five secrets of effective communication include (1) the disarming technique, (2) expressing empathy, (3) inquiry, (4) assertiveness, and (5) stroking.
The disarming technique has to do with finding truth in what the other person is saying, instead of being in denial, or worrying about how you are going to respond. In some ways, it is about finding the "kernel of truth", and accepting that.
Next, expressing empathy. There are two types of empathy, thought empathy and feeling empathy. Thought empathy comes from thinking about and understanding what they have said already. Feeling empathy has to do with acknowledging their emotions and feelings behind what they have communicated. As you can see, the two go hand in hand and compliment each other.
Following these steps, comes inquiry. This step suggests asking questions that encourage the person communicating to continue, and to make this person feel as though you are invested, caring for, and trying to understand more about what they are telling you. It is also important to keep in mind that your questions should be thoughtful. For example, if a friend is crying, you wouldn't approach them by saying "Are you upset?", because they visibly are. Instead, one could say, "It looks like you are struggling with something, can I talk with you about what's bothering you?", or something along those lines. Questions like these open up the conversation and give an opportunity for someone to express how they are feeling and why.
Assertiveness comes next. This step focuses on "I feel..." statements. This is where an emotion is mentioned and discussed. It should be expressed as follows, "When ___ (event), I feel/felt ____ (emotion), because _____ (thoughts). I would like _____ (hope/expectation)". A real example of this could be, "When you are late to pick me up for our date, I feel underappreciated and taken for granted, because I start to think I am not a priority and our time together isn't important. I would like for us to have time together, and for our plans to be respected". When using "I feel" statements, it is important to not say "I feel like...", because once "like" comes into the sentence, emotions and feelings are no longer being discussed. "Like" introduces assumptions and leaves room for arguments - so try to avoid that.
The last step is called stroking. This means affirmation and complimenting the person you are communicating with. This can feel unnatural, especially if you are feeling defensive and vulnerable. However, it is needed. Stroking should be genuine. For example, "I really appreciate that you took the time to communicate how you have been feeling with me. I know it can be hard to open up about these things, but it really shows me that you care about our relationship, and that you are mature enough to express how you feel".
There are many reasons people find to not open up to one another, but it truly can bring you closer together and save relationships. Effective communication requires empathy, assertiveness, and respect - these things are also essential in a healthy relationship.
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