When I was younger, around ten years old, I lost two cousins in a car accident. They were part of a family with nine kids, all raised in the church. The two that passed were very young, around the ages of seven and ten. It was incredibly shocking, painful, and confusing. How could this happen? It sensed as though our entire family was in disbelief that something so tragic could happen to quickly, and could happen to us. It seemed like something you only hear about on the news. My family traveled to their home town for the funeral and service, and the grieving and heartbreak was evident. The whole community came to mourn and show their support to the family.
Grieving is a natural part of the coping process, but what comes next determines the outcome of how you, individually overcome a tragedy that is causing distress.
There are always two obvious options when in a situation that causes distress, with many more choices underlying those. To break it down easily, there is a “good option” and a “bad option” when learning and beginning to cope. For example, a good option in this case would be to strengthen family bonds and support each other in the loss everyone is feeling. The bad option would be pointing fingers, blaming, and growing apart. Truthfully, that is not coping at all, but rather trying to get rid of what you think is “causing” your pain and hurt. Pushing away, or sweeping a problem under the rug isn’t coping, only ignoring until the feelings find a way to resurface again.
The best way to pull through a trial the family is experiences, is to work through it together. Praying together, getting professional help together, attending church together, and overall just being on the same page. Painful things need to be addressed and talked about openly. While the pain may not ever fully go away, learning useful and healthy coping skills will enable a family and individual to continue with their own lives and find a way to be happy, even within and after tragedy occurs.
I see the effectiveness of learning healthy coping skills. Seeking professional help in the midst of hardship can have amazing, lasting, positive effects. Communicating how you are feeling, as well as navigating through your experiences to find out why you are feeling that way is useful.
I also have direct examples of negative ways some of those around me choose to cope/push away their feelings. While my family members were able to draw closer to each other and with our emotions, others have distanced themselves and used other alternatives to distract from what they are feeling.
Trials and hardships are never easy, they are not meant to be fun. However, often times they are approached with thoughts of “why me?”, “I can’t do this”, “we don’t deserve this”; instead of “I will learn something from this”, “I am being strengthened through this”, or “My relationship with my family can grow from this”.
While it can be a hard pill to swallow, ultimately the way we recover and if we recover from a distressing situation is up to use and the coping skills we use and learn. If we choose to run from them and blame those around us, we will never grow or truly move on. While we can’t always control what happens around us or to us, we control our reaction and recovery.
Working as a unified, strong family unit is always easier than working alone while you are hurting. Tragedy can bring people together in unique, special ways when they choose to cope and heal together.
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